Leukemia - Maintenance Week 14 - I'm Scared

So often I receive comments and emails regarding Jemma's Leukemia that tell me how strong I am.  This blog may make me look strong, but that is far from an accurate picture. First of all I do what I have to do. I do what any parent would do in this situation, but that doesn't make me strong. I have tons of anxiety. I am human.

Right now everything is fine, but it has been a difficult three days. When Jemma first got sick, even before she was diagnosed she had a very distinct way of breathing. She would shorten each breath with a sort of grunting sound. As she got sicker, she grunted more frequently and eventually all night long while she slept. The grunting went away a very short time after her chemotherapy treatment began, and I haven't heard it since.

Until three nights ago....... While I was reading her a bedtime story I heard it. She didn't do it while sleeping and seemed happy and full of energy in the morning so I passed it off. The pattern repeated itself for two more nights and then this morning Jemma took a nap in my arms. This may seem like a normal parent/child behavior, but it is far from normal for Jemma. I can count the number times this has happened on one hand and can't remember the last time. Jemma is not a child who likes to cuddle.

My mind has been racing with worry, so today I brought her in for a blood check even though she wasn't due to be checked until Thursday. The doctors were very nice and entertained my distress. Jemma was given a blood test and her blood was smeared onto a plate to be examined under the microscope. Thankfully everything was normal.

Swimming three days in a row, coupled with two dance practices and a quick performance is probably the reason for Jemma's low energy. I felt tired today and her sister went to be two hours early last night. She was thrilled to dance in front of a group on Sunday morning.

The grunting is harder to explain. When she first had Leukemia, many of her organs were enlarged which created pressure on the diaphragm and could have caused the initial grunting. Her organs were normal today, but her stomach was filled with air. Her appetite has increased again, so perhaps her grunted breathing is caused by an extra full stomach.

My logical brain tells me don't get too upset and jump to conclusions, but for me that's very difficult to do. Apparently, it's very common for parents to have increased worry during this transition phase when the chemotherapy is being so drastically reduced. I have been a mess emotionally. The doctor's visit helped me to relax a bit, but whenever she makes that sound it just makes me cringe.